Small Talk: The Autistic Kryptonite

Small talk is often declared the bane of existence to those on the spectrum everywhere. An inane social ritual where you’re expected to exchange obvious facts about the weather and be happier for it. A two-way conversation that can quickly end in awkward silence, embarrassment or can become one-sided.

Some situations are easier than others. Most of us are fine on a one-to-one basis or an interaction which has a structure and clearly defined roles, but the informal and unstructured interactions, especially in groups, can be our kryptonite.

 

According to the authors of the 2022 study, Conversational adaptation in children and teens with autism: Differences in talkativeness across contexts, successful social communication is complex; it relies on effectively deploying and continuously revising one’s behavior to fit the needs of a given conversation, partner, and context.

In successful conversations, people tend to adjust aspects of their language to be more similar to their partners’. They contend that for many individuals on the autism spectrum, the ability to fluidly read and appropriately respond to dynamic verbal and nonverbal signals during spontaneous conversation poses a significant challenge that can lead to less successful interpersonal interactions with neurotypical peers.

In addition, failure to adjust communicative behaviors could have downstream effects: for example, diminished conversational adaptation in everyday communications may lead to fewer mutually rewarding social interactions, reduced opportunities for social learning, and subsequent long-term reductions in social knowledge and skill.

 

What Is It With the Weather?

Small talk provides easy common ground to start a conversation, says Rachel Guttentag of Autism Spectrum News. This is especially valuable for strangers who know nothing about each other. Unless you have the magical power of mind reading, you have no idea what some random person on the street might be interested in talking about. But you can find something in common in any situation; just look at your shared surroundings.

This is why weather is the small talk go-to. As banal of a topic as it is, there is no denying that all of us are aware of it and affected by it. Even if you spend the entire day indoors, that doesn’t mean conditions outside are irrelevant to you. If you do need to go outside later, it’s good to be warned if the next biblical flood is coming or if it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk.

 

Helpful strategies

Claire Jack suggests the following strategies in her article, Can You Do Small Talk when You Have ASD? in Psychology Today:

1. Recognise that your social issues are not due (primarily) to social anxiety.
   It is important to recognise the impact that being on the autism spectrum has had on your social interactions and to treat this appropriately. Whilst the treatments for social anxiety may focus more on exploring the roots as to what’s happened in your past to make you socially anxious, other treatment options may be more suitable when you have a diagnosis of autism.
2. Don’t rely on alcohol or drugs.
   Given the difficulties people with autism may face socially, alcohol or drugs can seem like an obvious choice to diminish the effects of sensory overload, temporarily dampen down anxiety and help conversation, of one type or another, flow. Previously it has been thought that people with autism were less likely to become addicted to these types of substances, but some recent studies have challenged this.
3. Don’t overdo it.
   It’s important to be honest with yourself and others and recognise that some social situations are so difficult for you that you should be allowed to say ‘no’. This is vastly different from becoming socially isolated and, in fact, when you start to identify the activities which make you feel socially good from those which completely drain you, you’ll have the energy to do more of the things which energise and support you. 
4. Have strategies in place.
   When you know that you’re going to be in a situation that is likely to be difficult for you socially, have a strategy in place to minimize its impact. For instance, can you pre-agree with your partner exactly what time you will leave? Or could you arrange to pop out for a quick walk or even get some shopping to have a break? Will arriving earlier and having time to settle in or arranging a hotel room for the night help alleviate your stress levels?
5. Recharge.
   It’s very important when you’ve been drained socially and/ or have experienced sensory overload that you give yourself time to recharge. If you need some time alone to do hobbies, read a book or whatever helps you to reconnect, make sure you do it. Don’t make the mistake of thinking this is self-indulgent behaviour – it’s essential to your mental and physical wellbeing.
6. Learn the meaning of social interactions.
   If understanding the point of social interactions and being able to respond to subtle communication dues doesn’t come naturally to you, social events may always be a bit tough. Copying what other people do and say can help to ‘pass’ but it’s more useful to make an attempt to understand what the point is of things like small talk and lengthy family get-togethers. Why don’t other people want to leave at 6.00 pm on the dot even though that was the suggested finish time? Making an effort to understand what is going on can help you to respond in a deeper way than simply repeating things in a rote manner.
7. Acceptance.
   Most importantly, it’s important to accept who you are and what you need. When you accept that some things are more difficult for you socially because you are on the autism spectrum, you can begin to put into place all the strategies outlined above to support your needs. You can build a social life, which allows the time and space for you to take care of yourself and ensure a balance between alone and social time which is right for you.

 

Six tips on developing small talk for those with autism

The following tips and suggestions are from the book by Elizabeth Sautter, Make Social Learning Stick! and may help autistic adults or children feel more comfortable talking with whoever shows up at the party or dinner table:

1. Social Spying:
   When you’re out in the community, observe other people and try to infer what the person might be interested in or how people are related or connected to one another. Learning to make guesses about others helps in finding good topics of conversation.
2. Topics for Small Talk:
   Help your child make a list of topics that most people like to talk about in shorter conversations (e.g., the weather, learning what the person is doing at school, work or in other activities, asking questions about what is going on in their life, a new pet or sport, etc.).
3. Conversation Cards:
   Create cards with open-ended questions like, “What was the best (or worst) part of your day?” or “What’s your favorite movie and why?” Place them in the middle of the dinner table and take turns picking up a card and posing a question. Practicing at home will make it easier to converse with people who are less familiar.
4. Wonder Questions:
   “Wh” questions (who, what, why, etc.) are good conversation starters. Make a visual cue or prompt to remind you or your child of these words and practice using them at home during family meals.
5. Neighborhood Chats:
   Walk around the neighborhood with your child and greet people you know. As you converse with neighbors, try to include your child in the discussion. Prepare for the walks by coming up with questions to ask neighbors like, “How are you today?” or “Did you enjoy your weekend?”
6. Car Talk:
   Some kids prefer to talk in the car, where they don’t have to worry about direct eye contact or body language. Use car trips to practice making conversation.

 

Nothing Works 100%

According to Rachel Guttentag of Autism Spectrum News, one of the most frustrating things about social interactions is that you can follow all the “rules” and still mess things up. When attempting to do more small talk, you have to accept that some of your attempts will fall flat. A joke won’t land, your words won’t interest someone, or that person may just refuse to engage with you.

It’s hard not to take these things personally and very few of us will succeed at not doing so. Yet, one of the biggest secrets to getting more comfortable approaching others is learning to shrug off failure. Go out and chat with strangers more. Try to meet new people and maybe make some friends. Small talk can be your starting point, but where the conversation goes… well, that can be up to luck.

Still, the more you try, the better your chances will be.